January, 2004 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

Nope. Don't have time to talk to you all.

I've got a million things to do. Augh. Nope, can't write. No.

Got that Macworld thing to do. MAMA! It's only a week away. Shoot. I have only a week to build up some kind of tolerance to the slick and shine of the big city. If I don't, this little country mouse will just be wandering the city with her mouth agape and pointing at palm trees while natives laugh at my "Linger Longer in Kansas" t-shirt. Yes. Yes I have been to Macworld about 5 times before. And every year I act like less of a dork than the year before. But it takes preparation and medication to keep my natural DUHness under control.

I'm just never going to be one of those who are as nonplussed and slick as goose poop on teflon in this kind of situation. No matter if I went abroad every week, will I have the wise exhausted hangdog indifference that seems to dress every world traveler I see. That's just not me. I have enough melodrama in me to fuel a Space Shuttle mission, not to mention, if I eat the right things, the extra gas power. I am the ultimate tourist. I am amazed and flabbergasted at everything I see. I even went up to Chris Knight of Brady Bunch fame, and just asked him over and over if he was Peter Brady. Not that I am a big fan, but I was just amazed that he even existed outside of those Entertainment Tonight "Where Are They Now?" specials. As long I don't wet myself whilst meeting Steve Wozniak, I would call it a successful trip. And, anyway, I've promised authorities I won't follow him into the Men's bathroom... again... so if I can do that, I'm golden.

I've got a TON of things to do. Heck-o-rama, I have to buy a suitcase. Can't be lugging around hefty bags full of my Wonder Woman underoos through the streets of San Francisco, that wouldn't be cricket. I'd like one with wheels, but how much more of a dork could I be dragging my luggage around with a leash after it topples on to its side because the wheels are the size of ball bearings?

Actually if I'm worried about looking like a dork in San Francisco, I might as well cash in my tickets and give it up now, because, just how cool can one look wearing some big multicolored Mac t-shirt and about 60 flashing buttons from the vendors in the exhibit hall? I always tell myself, "Hey, Self, your a veteran Expo-er now, you don't have to hang every chotchkie from your body. You don't have to hang all seven Macworld pens from your neck or put on that stupid foam faux hat that MacAddict gives you every year." But the same little voice in my head that says this is a good look also is the one that convinced me if I could get a pair of Steve Job's used boxer shorts, I could attain nirvana.... and maybe some cool cash on ebay.

Finally this year, I have enough money to where I don't have to steal airline peanuts for sustenance during the week, or feel up overwhelmed Macmacs that have passed out in the Hospitality Room for loose change. Food, friends and fun, that's what I'm planning this year.

All my activities will be Your Mac Life centered just because these are the poor sods that have the misfortune of being generous enough to let me tag along, but there are other things going on during and after expo hours. The Hess party list details a good number of them, http://www.ilenesmachine.com/partylist.shtml, and then there's always venturing out beyond the geek, into the realm of reality and doing the touristy thing. After all, it IS San Francisco.

A little peek at my itinerary, subject to change or arrest:

Sunday - Arriving at 10 pm. Depending on how much wine I have on the plane, I could spend up to an hour or so wandering around the airport. I am hoping to have a nap Sunday night, for that may be the only sleep I get all week.

Monday - Depending on how much wine I had on the plane and possibly in the hotel bar, I will be bright eyed and bushy tailed when we make a little road trip to Apple. Sure the campus is off limits, but at least I may touch the ground and worship at the gates of MacMac Mecca, as any good MacMac should. Plus, there is a pub across the street I am told. And of course, I'll probably wander around the almost empty Moscone, watching people lug in boxes and setting up booths until its time to go to Dave's Bar. Depending on the straw poll of the poor people who end up hanging out with me, we will go Drunk Karaoking.

Tuesday - Depending on how much wine I have had at the bar the night before and what shade of green I am in the morning, I will be up and running to be in line for Keynote. Usually I am more excited than if I was Howard Stern trapped in a storage closet with 6 waitresses from Hooters. The atmosphere is just electric, and I am deeply, deeply affected by the reality distortion field. After that, I want to do a little sight seeing. I hear the seafood at Scoma's is world famously delicious and I've never been down to Fisherman's Wharf. Maybe we will run into Tony Shalhoub and Bitty Schram shooting one of my favorite shows, "Monk". And at some point I need to be near a TV, so that I may worship at the altar of Kiefer, and take in that week's episode of "24". Maybe the hotel bar has a TV. And if we haven't gone Drunk Karaoking, we will try again to do so.

Wednesday - Ahh. The expo starts. Depending upon how much wine I had watching "24" the night before, I will be the early bird trying to keep down the worm at the Moscone attending Your Mac Life's host, Shawn King's presentation, "Switcher's Welcome" at the MacBeginnings Stage at 11:30am. (http://www.macworldexpo.com/macworldexposf/
V40/conference/session.cvn?eID=830). Also, for more YML fun, there's the planned ice skating and falling down gathering at the Yerba Buena Ice Skating and Bowling Center from 7:15 - 9:15pm ($7 to skate but the skate rental is free). Of course, if there hasn't been any Drunk Karaoke yet, we will try yet again to do so.

Thursday - This is floor zombie day. Depending upon how much wine I will have had that morning, I will drag my hungover, moribund behind on the floor to see, feel, and take everything I can. Literature, chotchkies, magazines, samples, t-shirts, and god willing, somebody will be offering some extra large Advil and some Pepto. I'll be attending another YML related conference, Shawn King's "How to live on a bunch of emails or whatever a day," or something like that at 1:15 p.m. Hopefully it will be quiet and poorly lighted, so that my hungover head doesn't explode. Thursday's also the night of the YML "Rocks Expo" Party presented by Griffin Technology and Marathon Computer. 8pm - Midnight at Slim's. Via sponsor invitation only. No ticket, no entry. Thanks also to the MacTrainers, Generations Bank, the MUG Center, Company Stuff and RadTech for their support, and to the SV Houserockers for playing. I, of course, will be sucking up hard for a ticket, so I may be in attendance!

Friday - One last zombie day, and its a good day to be one, since everybody will be trying to unload as much stuff as possible so they don't have to drag it to back from whence they came. Hopefully, I will not be so addled as to not miss the chance to sit down and rest at the MacBeginnings Stage and watch the Macworld Conference and Expo 2004 Wrap-up Session, moderated by Shawn King and featuring, David Pogue, Paul Kent, and Jason Snell.

So there ya go. That's the planned agenda for expo. This is not counting whatever interventions people have planned for me, or jail time I might be mandated to be present for. Happy Expoing...



Apple Confidential


Apple Logo Merchandise


Apple, the Apple logo, Macintosh, Mac, MacOS, Lisa, and PowerBook, are trademarks of Apple Computer, Inc. All other brands, product names, logos, images, multimedia elements, and technologies are trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective holders, and are hereby acknowledged. The Mothership Website is in no way endorsed by or affiliated with Apple Computer, Inc.