June, 2005 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

Chapter 547515325.3: And in the darkness, the bullets whizzed by the startled redhead's ears. She twirled around only to find gun toting terrorist raining metal death upon her. Suddenly Agent Bauer leaps toward her, taking her to the ground, landing his firm tenuous body upon hers, protecting her from the hail of gunfire around them. As they lay motionless, both bodies breathing in time with each other, he looks into her eyes, she could feel his hot breath escaping on her cheek, and his heart racing. Her body, attentive and pumped full of adrenaline trembled as he touched the back of her neck.... uh...oh. Forgot where I was...

As the high pitched yammering of excited nerds jars me out of my little Lost Boys Meets "24" fantasy, where Jack is wrestling naked with the head vampire who's accidentally lost all his clothes too, I realize we have come through the steam tunnels into a small boiler room which has been transformed into the HQ of this little rag tag, merry bunch of rebels fighting against overwhelming ... whoa... I've been around the mole people too much. Okay. The nerds got themselves a spider hole in the basement.

All around me were computers and laptops and empty bags of skittles, which only reminded me I was hungry as well as needing to go tinkle.

Dex ponied up to a terminal and pulled up a picture and a bio of another apparently EVIL nerd.

"This... (pointing at a 42" plasma screen mounted above a sewage pipe) is Byers Wentworth, the leader the Federation..."

I eyed the dude on the monitor. Surprisingly he looked a bit like Jude Law... rowwwlll.

"I take it he's not a TECHNICAL dude, but more of the charismatic leader..." I ventured a guess since the guy had clear skin, bulging muscles, and wavy blonde hair.

"Why no, he's a genius computer programmer. He's the one who pulled off the infamous Pentagon hack where he broke into Langley in Virginia and stole files..." replied Dex

"That sounds like mission impossible..."

"Yes. It was a feat of almost improbable unlikelyhood to accomplish..."

"No, you mighty dork, the MOVIE Mission Impossible..."

"Never saw it..." said Dex, as he blew my comment off and continued. "He has many, many legendary exploits to his credit... and now he plans to sneak an undetected exploit into Mac OS Tiger...."

"Now why wouldn't he aim for Windows boxes. They are everywhere and he could take over most the world faster if he snuck it into Longhorn..."

"He wants to do this within the next 5 years, so he needed an OS that would have actually have been released to the public." Dex explained.

Sigh. "So what does this exploit do? I think I saw some of what it does.... hey what the hell are you doing..." I balked as two or three flunky nerds started pawing at my clothes. "WHAT the..."

"We need you in our specially made neoprene jumpsuit that will allow you maximum protection against all they can throw at you, and additionally will allow us to monitor your movements. Also we've devised a transceiver you can carry in your ear that bounces transmission off the bones in your head, basically using your cranium as a parabolic dish and amplifier."

"Oh that sounds like it's not gonna happen." I said as I stared down the small frail boy, trembling as he put down what looked like a spikey butt plug. "What exactly will I be doing?

Growling and unpleased, Dex relented and let me put on the suit in private, and decided after I told him he could shove his transceiver that I didn't really need to be monitored. The neoprene hugged every curve of my body, fitting like a very tight glove. But it felt strangely comfortable and energizing.

"We need you," Dex rubbed his pocket protector in a circular fashion as he looked at me in my new black wetsuit. "...to break into their fortress, steal the code for the exploit, upload a code we have written that will lie dormant until the OS is installed on a computer hooked up to the internet and escape to the wild to hunt down and kill the Federation's virus code and install 'protection' for everyone's system."

Yeah, THAT sounds somehow creepy, I thought.

"You know, and hour ago, my unemployed ass was eating poptarts and watching Columbo.."

Dex sighs, and squints.

"Yes. Yes, I know."

Chapter Eleven: How do I go to the bathroom in this thing?



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