The Mothership - Ms. Duh Monthly

July, 2008 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

There is a good reason for no June column.

Didn't wanna.

Well. No. Well. Yes. Well. No.

I can't lie. On my latest sojourn to the piney backwoods of North Carolina, I was savagely assaulted and then kidnapped by hillbillies from the Ozarks who kept me duct taped to an old Frigidaire side-by-side, and were planning to use your heroine in unspeakably pornographic ways, and possibly for some light housework chores. Homey don't play that. I don't do no man's dishes. So, after Festus and his merry band of toothless cohorts went to catch Andy Williams down in Branson, I chewed through my gag, ripped off my sticky bonds and sprinted 500 miles to home.

And after two weeks of intense psychotherapy and some electro-shock, I am able to go on with life now. And since I've been gone, what's been happening?

iPHONE? WHAT?

Not another iPhone story. Roger me with a pig poker, don't make me, JIM!! NO. DON'T BEAT ME! I'll be a GOOD COLUMNIST!! ((THWACK)) I'll get them in on time from now on!!! ((THWACK THWACK)) I won't eat all the office CANDY anymore!!! NOOOOO ---GAK (((THWAK))) ***medic***

Okay. Let's talk about the iPhone. Lets talk about a certain lovely redhead's experience with the iPhone.

So I get an iPhone a while back. Months ago. I got decent coverage, and if I didn't have to talk to customer service, which was an experience not unlike having sex with a rabid, wild spider monkey who doesn't believe in foreplay, I was all hunky dory with it. My phone and I bonded and loved each other. I would caress it and kiss it, and, in turn, it would tell me the weather, take pictures and occasionally talk to people. And when I set it on vibrate, keeping it in my pocket, I truly knew it loved me as no other device could. It came with me to my last day at work, and the subsequent last day boozer with all my coworkers. And, drinking the equivalent of two tanker trucks of Long Island Iced Teas, me and my phone parted ways. I lost it during the night of which I can only remember up to about 9 pm.

Sad, mad, and hungover, I couldn't find it, nobody returned it and I set off to buy iPhone number two. Just a hint, you may want to pay attention to the body count here. Two phones, in about the space of five months.

So, as I said, I get the new iPhone, mad, sad and hungover, at the AT&T store. The new iPhone and I seemed to have issues, and we had a mutual resentment. I felt was like I was the village spinster forced into an arranged marriage with Newt Gingrich or Jesse Helms. It wouldn't take pictures. It wouldn't sync or recharge. So this accursed thing was broken. It DID get me through two trips to the banjo-playing, goat-romancing, yee-hahing, backwoods of the south, but crapped out one day and refused to be a phone.

So, since the thing was about a month old, I called Apple to beg them to fix it. At first, they wanted 35 bucks for shipping, but I relayed my sad tale of the two iphones, and the Apple Monkey on the phone waived it. Apple sent me a postage paid box and promised to fix it and return it in about three days - as this was my only phone. They would have given me a replacement iPhone, but I didn't have the cabbage to put down as a safety deposit type deal on it (they would have returned the cash, upon return of the phone).

I sent the phone off and checked the Apple website on the progress of the repair. Sure enough, I saw it get there. I saw things being done to it. And I saw it get sent out. It was done in about three days and winged it's way back on the UPS Overnight shipping donkey from Texas.

Turns out, Apple replaced the phone instead of fix it. For everyone keeping track, this is TECHNICALLY, phone number three. It was nice and new with no scratches. This one seemed to like me better. I might have to seek professional help.

And I was happy and cheery, and liked my phone. Still could call people. Still could check the weather. And now can take pictures and recharge the thing.

You know what happened? You know what happened dropping $800+ on TWO iPhones in 6 months? Apple comes out with a newer, faster, better, cheaper iPhone.
What in all that is holy and brewed with cool mountain stream water are you trying to do to me, APPLE? A NEW FRIKKIN PHONE? CHEAPER? IPHONE 3G? A GPS? WITH APPS? CHEAPER?? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?? CHEAPER? CHEAPER? CHEAPER?

Dear GOD in HEAVEN, and roger me running, because I was four shots of tequila away from standing in front of Apple, taking off my clothes, and throwing feces at the building, while screaming like a banshee.

So I booked another couple of sessions with my Apple certified therapist, and played some naked bongos in the backyard to soothe my soul as I tried to get the hamster in my head back on it's wheel.

And. Yes. I'm getting the phone - as soon as I get a handle on all this relocating and not becoming destitute. There is nothing really compelling the new phone has. If it has better audio/speakers, then I can see a reason for getting it. And I guess I'll be giving away my old one. Okay. My new old one. My new third old one. Sigh. But. Haven't got one yet. I was one of the lucky ones and was able update my phone without bricking it. I got twenty bucks worth of apps. My favorite app, by far, is GuitarToolkit. Since I bought a guitar that I named Fred. I'm a budding rock star, if this whole learning guitar thing doesn't kill me.

I did see all the problems everybody had in updating software, MobileMe issues, and I saw the nutbar stuff happening during the hardware release. People bricking their phones, hardware selling out at incredible rates, software updates taking hours. People just getting PISSED in general. I had a friend who's whole experience in activation took about four hours over two days. Apple seems to make these things an event in craziness. Someday, I'll be able to afford to get a piece of hardware/software ON the launch date to join into the craziness. I live for chaos.

On the new iPhone: the 3G part doesn't compel me although, I might like it when I get it; GPS seems like something I really need, being the directionally challenged supergirl that I am; the new apps seem all right, but I didn't need a bunch; everything else, leaves me sorta 'meh'. The things I WANT desperately are better signal coverage, and a customer service experience that doesn't make me want to drown myself in the toilet. Because right now, since about two weeks ago, my signal is almost non-existent. My phone can tune a guitar, do AIM, bring me the New York Times, play some crazy game with monkeys, but can't do that one thing I really want - ACT LIKE A PHONE AND LET ME CALL PEOPLE.

But, as the chip Apple installed in my head pulses in morse code 'BUY BUY BUY', I'll be getting one of these. And the old one will find a good home in Tennessee because that's the kind of gal I am.

Yeah. I'm Apple's bitch.

(side note: A VICTORY IN THE BATTLE FOR NET NEUTRALITY)