January, 2017 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

Oh holy day, another year has just flown by. It is now 2017 - or close to it. Somehow, I can’t really tell anymore, the difference between yesterday and today. Or last month and this month. I’m an old dogie that really will only be able to discern the tangible changes between THEN and NOW. THEN was good, NOW is a bag full of crap.

First, before the Apple related nonsense I’m going to be spouting, I’ve decided to introduce a new feature: The bitching-and-moaning-about-Trump paragraph that will precede the Apple related bitching and moaning. We could call it “Armageddon Minute” or “How Trump screwed us this month” or maybe the “Impeachment Countdown”. Something like that. Just an account that documents each month that brings us ever closer to that big, as yet unknown event that makes us ALL think “YES, WE ARE THE MOST SCREWED EVER”. Coming soon. January 20th. Tell your friends.

Ahhhh. Let’s all get into the Wayback Machine™ to the beginning of the year. When the end of the world wasn’t nigh, and well, not a lot happened in the Mac world. And what did happen, was a bit lackluster with a side order of crappy. In my world view of Apple, I’ve always expected extraordinary innovations, drool-worthy products, and a renewed sense of hope and confidence that all will be right with the world. Nowadays, I get more out of tracking the Marvel movie schedule than I do paying attention to just about anything Apple does anymore. But let’s give it a try and go over what Apple-centric activity was worth complaining about/praising.


You know how I feel about the phones. I am neither excited nor disappointed usually with the iPhone. The iPhone is the probably the only piece of Apple hardware that I don’t have a visceral connection with. At first back in the middle ages, when I first got the iPhone (1st generation, bitches), it was phenomenal to me. I COULD MAKE A PHONE CALL ANYWHERE (providing I had anyone to call). With every new iteration of the iPhone, it got me less and less excited. Except for the 3s, which was groovy because the speakers were so much better than my little old phone, all the generations of it left me “meh”. The phone became a tool to me, and that’s just amazingly sad, because NOTHING of Apple’s causes me to have such a blasé attitude. I drool, lust, and covet Macs; I really kinda dig the iPad even though I try not to; the Apple Watch causes me to convulse in exasperation on the thought of WHY someone would really need this; and the Apple TV makes me excitedly curious as to what the hell it is and how I might use it. The iPhone 5s was going to be the last iPhone I was going to buy because I wasn’t going to tow the iPhone 6 around with me in a wheelbarrow. But then the SE came out, and got back on board that iPhone wagon train. I really haven’t read where the iPhone 7 did anything but piss people off because it was jack-less. I still can’t believe that the iPhone is the flagship product line for Apple now (or so I’ve read). If I were to update the iPhone, I’d put a button on it as an independent camera button, where if you punch it, it would take a picture - no signing in, no nothing. Just click and voila! Picture! And maybe a thing that senses when you are calling it when its lost and it answers back.


WHAT THE HELL? Where are all my ports? What is with this Touchbar thing? Why can’t I have more RAM? I hate to even admit this but, that stinky Surface thing seemed kinda cool with that touch screen option, although I hate the tablet-ness of it. I want a sturdy, functional laptop with PORTS and junk. If I’m to dish out a bunch of cash for the pro version, I want to be able to have a BUTTLOAD of RAM in it, and maybe launch a missile or two from the mini-display port. Hell, I want a mini-display port. I want some USB ports, even a firewire port (yes, I still have things that utilize firewire). If your going to give me just one type of stupid port, at least put about 4 or 5 of those f**k*rs on the side of the thing. And don’t get me started on the Touchbar. That’s like dating a cousin when you have a hot sister. If you’re going to do that sort of thing, at least go for the gold. Make a touchscreen. Make a better touchscreen. Put one of dem Apple pencils where that Touchbar goes and make the screen a touchable option. I have a 2010 polycarb Macbook and I still use it constantly. I’d use it more if I hadn’t burnt out the ethernet port and the trackpad didn’t give up the ghost. It has a ton of useful holes on the side you can plug crap into and the functionality of this thing is still pretty great, even though it is 7 years old.


Series one - WHY? Series two - WHY part deux? I know of three people that own an Apple watch, one of which has more money than sense and owns every piece of Apple crap as soon as it’s pooped out of Cupertino. I would think Google Glass would be higher on my want/need list than a watch. It’s like making a digital buggy whip. Sure it glows, makes a lightsaber sound and gives horses epilepsy, but really, its never going to be a big, big product and isn’t it just sucking resources away from the products I really want?


I’m hearing disturbing and frightening conjecture that Apple cares not one whit for the computer lines anymore. That’s scares and saddens me to think that these will be neglected to the point my company (and future companies) will decide that a PC is just as good and a helluvalot less expensive, so therefore, we must force our designers to use an HP with Windows on it. I’ve worked on the new versions of Windows, and I don’t much care for it. The MacBooks got a slight upgrade, the Pro hasn’t been fiddled with in 3 years except for that Touchbar nonsense. The Mac Mini and iMac basically are in cryogenic stasis until I-don’t-know-when and the changes to the OS amount to an name change and still not putting back in folder colors like I asked for a billion years ago.


I’m not sure what this thing can do that a mac mini plugged into my TV can’t. If you can explain it to me, email me at WTFiswithAppleTV@gmail.com

These days, I’m more excited about buying slightly older machines, adding SSDs and RAM, and seeing what kind of sweet hummer I can frankenstein up. I’m not sure what’s happening with Apple, and I’ve heard MUCH speculation that maybe the days of Apple are numbered. It’s sad. I think they need to have some crazy person in a room somewhere who thinks up inconceivable crap that I never knew I wanted until I saw one. Maybe they need to be more of a media company. Maybe they need to start catering more to the creative professionals more, since I’m feeling neglected. Maybe they need to be an incubator of original content like Netflix and Hulu and Amazon and etc. etc. etc. Maybe they need to do none of these things because these ideas are crap and I’m talking out my ass. I just know that Apple needs to get some of its vigor back and understand that it’s ALWAYS GAME ON if you want to stay relevant and successful. Because, I don’t want to be slogging away on some Dell, trying to work Windows and wishing I was dead….





Apple Confidential


Apple Logo Merchandise


Apple, the Apple logo, Macintosh, Mac, MacOS, Lisa, and PowerBook, are trademarks of Apple Computer, Inc. All other brands, product names, logos, images, multimedia elements, and technologies are trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective holders, and are hereby acknowledged. The Mothership Website is in no way endorsed by or affiliated with Apple Computer, Inc.